When the late Gangsta Rapper Ol’ Dirty Bast@rd was accused of violently beating up his girlfriend (as opposed to the non-violent method), David Letterman poked fun at those who were surprised by this act by posing the question “Isn’t that what Ol’ Dirty Bast@rds do?”

Some things, like the truths our forefathers spoke of, are self evident. It is what it is. A = A. You are what you are. This brings us to those who wonder why Iran would kidnap 15 British soldiers. For those who do need to be hit upside the head with a bar towel to know they are in a bar, the answer is simple. Iran did this because they are Iran. That is what they do. Do we really need to interview Ahmeninajad and look at his resume to see that he went to Mullah University where he studied kidnapping 101?

There are times in life for negotiation. Even as a teenager in the 1980s, I believed that peace between the USA and the Russians could be achieved through diplomacy. This is because the people who gave us such beauty and culture, from ice skating, to chess grand masters, to poetry, did not want to blow up the world. Once they found out we did not want to blow up the world, we were able to talk to them. Ronald Reagan was tough, but he was also the Great Communicator. He was liked and trusted, and the world benefitted.

North Korea requires negotiations. The North Korean people do not want to die. Heck, all they want to do is eat. It is going to require patience and discipline, but the North Korean leaders know we have no desire to destroy them. If they would just tell us what the heck they want, be it cable tv or complimentary call girls when you supersize your meal, we can work with them. America will defend itself, but at some point they will realize we have no desire to fight them. They have nothing we want.

Having said that, when dealing with Iran and Syria, there is no diplomatic solution. There has never been a time in history where negotiating with either of these two pimples on the world’s rumpus has ever worked. The only thing that works is force. Arab Muslim governments discover the beauty of negotiation when they are getting destroyed on the battlefield.

For those people misguided enough to believe that Khadafi Duck in Libya dropped his weapons program due to 20 years of negotiations, let me be clear. For all his bluster, Khadafi was a pragmatist. He enjoyed being among the living. He saw what happened to Saddam Hussein, and like a man being hassled by his wife after a long day of work, declared “I just want to put my feet on the coffee table. Who needs this aggravation?” In 1986, it is safe to say that when Reagan bombed his home, it took out Khadafi’s coffee table, and probably his comfortable air mattress.

President Bush declared that anyone who helps or harbors terrorists is a terrorist. Iran and Syria foment terrorism. To list the examples would be tedious. Just go purchase an Iranian thesaurus and see if it contains anything besides “Jihad,” “Infidel,” “Allah Akbar,” and “Zionist Donkey Agressor.” To these people I say “I get it. You dislike us. Too d@mn bad.”

So given that negotiation with these nations has never worked, and that force is the only solution, it is time we put Iran and Syria on notice that they can be wiped off the map as well. By turning those nations into 50,000 golf course with plenty of sand traps, we can also perform a public service in America. Given how colossally boring golf is, sending golfers overseas means less golf on American soil. That is a side benefit. Iran and Syria by 2010 could be Cuba in the 1950s.

Yes, I am advocating imperialism. They think we are imperialists anyway, so we might as well act like it, at least for a few weeks. We should set up Coca Cola, McDonalds, and brothels, and make sure they are inundated with Baywatch episodes and Anna Nicole Smith news reports.

As someone who hates killing, and hates war, I hate being murdered more. While it is possible that somewhere in the backlog of history, somebody in charge of Iran or Syria might have accidentally contributed something to the world that could loosely be considered positive, more than likely this did not occur. Waiting for another such aberration of humanity from these miscreants is not an option. Every day Iran and Syria exist in their current form is a day the world comes closer to extinction. We have to strike while we can. Iran’s army reminds me of Marvin the Martian trying to blow up the Earth with the Uranium 238 space modulator. Syria’s army consists of an Ali Baba character in a Bugs Bunny cartoon yelling “Hassan, Chop!” when Bugs and Daffy try to steal his treasure.

So rather than light scented candles and sing Kumbaya as soldiers get kidnapped, we might want to do what we did in Iraq…find the bad guys, and b*tchslap them.

Iran and Syria want to kill us because that is what killers do. We need to defend ourselves and the world, because that is what the world, despite it’s fake and irrelevant criticism, needs us to do…defend free people everywhere from evil.

So let the bidding begin from contractors all over the world. It is time to start leveling their infrastructure and building that 50,000 hole golf course. If we don’t, we will continue to be attacked by Ol’ Dirty B@stards, because like water being wet, that is what Iran and Syria do.

eric